Posts Tagged ‘star wars’

Take the case of Star Destroyer vs. The Enterprise. Flag ship vs. Flag ship. Mono e mono. The argument is which will win? Some say the Star Destroyer, I’m not sure why…  While others claim it’s going to be the Enterprise.

Well. Putting a little logic on the matter – and acknowledging that I prefer Trek over Wars… but not Hobbit treks. I mean omfg I could have installed a screen saver and been less bored… but anyway… Trek. Okay. Where was I. Star Destroyers. Yeah. That was it.

The fact is it all depends on whose commanding the Enterprise. The following list of hypothetical situations have nothing to do on whether or not the Enterprise was in fact piloted by a certain captain. On the other hand, It has everything to do with the fact that the Star Destroyer would be commanded by a Sith. Period. Or someone as mean and bad-ass as a Sith. Or would have a Sith’s attitude and lack of sex life. And be extremely cranky because of it. Because higher ranked employees under the Empire’s flag were all portrayed that way, so do not argue with me on whether the Star Destroyer’s commander is an asshole.

That being said, we can safely assume it will probably be Vadar. Because he’s cool

Scenario One: Captain Jean-Luc Picard vs. Vadar

This is hands down a Star Wars win. Picard would want to discuss and talk out the issue. Vadar would choke him to death in ten minutes.

Scenario Two: Captain Benjamin Sisko vs. Vadar

I stopped and thought about this for two whole minutes, because I had to be sure. Sisko gets his butt kicked. He’s nice and would probably want to become a Jedi Knight, which Vadar is going to want to kick the butt of. And cut his hand off. Sell to Jabba. Then take back his deal and freeze Sisko’s body to hang on his wall.

Scenario Three: Captain Kathryn Janeway vs. Vadar.

Oh what fun this battle would be. However, I think the win would depend on how early in her “being lost in space” career the encounter happens. Early in her career, the Enterprise would have ended up limping away with barely enough crew left alive to maintain life support. Later in her career? Q. Do I need to say more?

Scenario Four: Captain Johnathon Archer vs. Vadar

I don’t have enough information in my memory bank to assess this particular situation. You see when I was a kid the corporate entity in charge of our Fox 30 station tried to fire everyone we had grown up with on the news program for younger, fresher faces. Our station told corporate to suck a banana. And so we lost Star Trek, but I will always admire that sacrifice and I’m okay with it.

Scenario Five: Captain William T. Riker vs. Vadar

Riker. Would. Make. James T. Kirk-like faces and wear feathers as a diplomatic gesture. Vadar. Would. Choke him. Never send a diplomat against a Sith.

Scenario Six: Captain Spock vs. Vadar

It is not logical to assume that Spock wouldn’t already have concluded 33.679854 ways to destroy and or permanently stop the Star Destroyer before the encounter ever came close to happening. His success would depend on whether he had learned how to counter human prejudice and sub-ordinance in the face of crew-squashing giants vs ill-timed funerals in order to get his orders carried effectively out.

Scenario Seven: Captain Christopher Pike vs. Vadar

Some of you might like Pike. I think he’s a wussy.

Scenario Eight: Captain James T. Kirk vs. Vadar

Oh c’mon you don’t think I left him out on purpose? No, see, I had to save the best for last. Because there’s no way I can envision Kirk losing to Vadar in any way shape or form. And this why:

He cheats. He’d already have Luke waiting in the hold with the plans to the Star Destroyer and a few probes specially rigged by Scotty to fire when they automatically found the gopher hole to aim at. Or he’d use the Enterprise and fire photon torpedoes at the hole. Or on an away mission he and Vadar would be in a lip lock of death while Vadar continues to try to choke and then. Boom. Up comes Spock with his Vulcan vice pinch – that admittedly might not work because of Vadar’s borg parts but that’s okay because Spock has a back up plan: the Vulcan mind-meld.

Or Kirk arranges a “diplomatic” meeting on the Destroyer and gifts them with a hull full of tribbles.

Or Scotty rigs up a remote for Vadar’s body and makes him do the space walk.

Or… oh well. You get the point. Kirk thought outside of the box, unlike everyone else in the list or that I’ve seen in the Trek ‘verse. Vadar… is in a box. His body is a box.

Vadar is bad ass and I’ll always love him… the real him. Not the fake prequel him. The one I grew up with and imitated using vanilla cookies in my mouth. But Kirk would win. End of scenario.

And finally well… who wins really depends on whose writing the story. So…

Lucas vs. Roddenberry

Wait.

Disney vs. Roddenberry

Roddenberry wins. Disney. I mean, really. Disney. You know. The company that threw out all the Star Wars canon from the books.

And again. Need I say more?

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