Posts Tagged ‘people suck’

… actually saved me from a lot of drama. Which is kind of funny.

This is going to be a personal post, touching on the past and how it once again has come to the future.

For those that haven’t figured it out, I have PTSD. I don’t like to talk about the past, but sometimes things trigger me hard and I’ll end up ranting about this and that. The way my ex-husband left me, some of the things he did, the works. They’re scars on me, and you know they’re not the only scars. They’re just deep ones, especially considering I’m still made to suffer for my kindnesses to this day.

On one such triggered day, I ranted – probably on my Livejournal – about some things that happened. My rants are never centered around one single person, mind you. They cover everyone involved. And that day I was hurting pretty deeply, probably because of the children, as the past reared its head and I recalled.  And someone who was involved in that past found the rant.

They messaged me I don’t know how long ago, but as they’re not on my friends list the message got put into the “other” folder. And there it sat, completely unread and ignored.  Someone brought my attention to this mysterious other folder today and for the first time ever I opened it up.

Omigod the emails that had gotten ignored. But I recognized her pig-pudged nose and my attention was caught by the way the message ended. “You know what? None of it is even true. Have a nice life.”

So I expanded the message, thinking wtf. And glanced at bits and pieces from my journal that she’d copied and pasted to reply to. She’d picked a doozy of a rant, and I even recognized one single bit that applied to her. But beyond that, I stopped reading because I knew instantly it was even more drama from the past. I don’t know how much of the rant actually applied to her. Chances are really high I was mushing it all together into single events to protect the not-so-innocent. I do that. Who knows.

The letter started off with how she had been thinking of writing the letter for a long time and she was finally doing it.

I stopped reading.

I mean seriously. It was long, it was more drama I don’t care for, and it was stupid to deny anything she may have participated in. She really hurt me.  Why on earth would I take anything she has to say seriously now? Why would I even waste my time? Chance my environment with her? Or anything ?

So yes. I didn’t read the message. I just know it ended with, “And you know what? None of it is true. Have a nice life.”

I never said her name, but she sure knew at least part of it was her. I won’t say her name now. The pain was too deep, and it reared up quite ugly. I could only say in reply, “Did you know who I was talking about? But if the shoe fits, lace that bitch up and wear it. Do not contact me again.” I mean. Really. I’m going over here to make a sandwich.

So later I reopen the letter because I’m trying to clear it from my history and to my surprise the first part is actually heartfelt, an apology. And I feel bad I didn’t see the message when it first came. She’s blocked now, so there’s nothing I can do to undo my message. The whole revisiting the affair cause me such swift pain… I often regret not being able to stop the knee jerks to think straight.

A lesson in this on how wrong I was. And how I should have been careful with my feelings.

 

uploadI confess to being just a little bit bummed out by reader reaction to Chapter 7 so far. I mean, I descended into dark valleys and climbed rocky, freezing mountains while fending off various hoards of dragons, Vikings, and demonic cultures to bring it to the e-reader public at large. There was even a moment of weakness when I stood in front of that molten maw and thought to myself, “I don’t have to do this. I could just keep this story to myself forever.” But my plucky sidekick and damnably thin nemesis forced my hand to keep working.

And then I released chapter 7. I admit I was primarily thinking of the readership base on Amazon.com – one had even hunted me down wondering when the next chapter was coming out. With all the sales HB has seen there (most of them being free downloads, but that’s not the POINT) I thought for sure Chapter 7 would get a few reads, maybe a couple of good reviews, and a pat on the back.

What it got was two downloads that were immediately returned for a refund.

You know, I truly wish people wouldn’t do that. It’s wrong on so many levels. I know they’re not returning it because they didn’t like it – it’s Chapter 7. In order to even care enough about Chapter 7 to read it, they would have had to read up to Chapter 6 (which they probably returned immediately for a full refund). This means they’re following the story.

Yes, I put Heavenly Bride up to read for free on the internet. So you’d think “Okay then it’s okay for these people to use Amazon’s policies to read the comic for free.”  But it’s not okay.

First of all, it hurts Heavenly Bride’s ratings and standing on Amazon. It already has only half a chance of getting seen by potential HB lovers due to getting beat out by the big guys in a random search. Put Heavenly Bride into Amazon’s search bar. You might see one of my books. You’re definitely going to see a lot of material for Hand of the Heavenly Bride. Further down you’ll see a bunch of Christian book titles that may or may not read “Heavenly Bride” anywhere. HB doesn’t get that much of a mention. Every time someone returns their purchased copy for a refund, the system is told to avoid advertising that book. It’s a liability to the Amazon system.

Second of all – and I hate to say it – it’s theft. You’re hurting my ratings, you’re stealing my hard work, and you’re stealing from my future success. True, in the opening of each book I encourage you to share your copy for free. I don’t encourage you to steal the book and then share it for free. If you want to read it for free so badly, why can’t you just truck your ass over to the website and have a good gander? Give a girl some support with an internet vote and some good ratings? Why do you have to slap me in the face in the process?

And speaking of being slapped in the face – thirdly. Thirdly, it hurts my ego dammit. There I was all excited. Did people like it? Was there finally going to be a discussion buzz in the Amazon forum? Oh, no. People must hate it. Why am I doing this again?

And folks have the nerve to say they hate supporting webcomics because so few make it to the end. Well, some folks seem dead set on HB meeting a fatal end. Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Sighs…

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