Tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday.

They moved a few years ago – she, her brother, and her father – without giving me the new address. So where I used to send cards every year on either child’s birthday I send nothing. And I have lines now: walls that protect me from being abused through them (and by them) so things have stayed this way for a while now.

This makes me the villain, of course, that I am not going through hell and high-water to hunt them down just to deliver a paltry birthday or Christmas card. Society and the media did that: stripped parents from the right to live well and without harm in these circumstances.

I ask you. Was it okay for the ex to scream obscenities at me over the phone, hang up, and then apologize to my daughter for “losing his temper” at me for not being able to drop everything at his convenience – when I was the one that *should* have been apologized to in front of the child? And now I answer. It was wrong. It was wrong that the children grew up thinking that I was not allowed an ounce of happiness. It was wrong that when I married, the shit figuratively hit the fan and I was treated badly repeatedly as if …. oh hell I’ll say it… as if the other party were infernally jealous that I could move on. It was wrong, the day my daughter was honestly offended that I was smiling in love. It was wrong the times she complained – and I mean outright complained – that my husband dotes on me and worked to give she and I both good lives. It was wrong the lies that were spread. And it was wrong cutting me completely off when I never did anything to invade: I only sent cards on occasions and waited for them to contact me when they felt they could spare me a hello in their busy, busy lives playing video games and whatever else I was told they did all day.

So let me be the villain. Whatever. I also play one in the media, and I like it.

I think of them on their birthdays now but I do nothing to get too close and be treated like mud again. A parent should *never* be treated that way, not when they’re the ones that sacrificed literally everything to do right by them. Never. Ever. I made sure they didn’t treat their father that way. In fact I used to bend over backwards for their relationship with that man.

I deserved the same in return.

I deserve happiness too.

And this is why I am not going through hell and high-water to find them just to deliver a paltry birthday card. Hate me if you like.

But. Happy birthday to them both. And may wisdom open their eyes someday.

P.S. Those not in the know are invited to look into the growing problem of parental estrangement, and how many parents are abusing their own children to further abuse ex’s they can no longer abuse first hand… or worse. Some of the tales are far far worse than mine; quite heart-breaking.

P.P.S. I am living well. This is why villains are so hated by the other side. :-p

A Year Gone

As of today it has been a year since The Heavenly Bride Book 2 had its successful Kickstarter campaign. I thought I would have had Book 3 out by now, but no. Oh there’s progress. Of course there’s progress. But no book just yet. I do not know if I should feel ashamed or tell people I have 0 fucks to give. I think it’s neither… but I do have a determination to work a little faster.

I have found a balance with my work at the moment, but if you know my life you know it’s only temporary. The Demonkeeper’s Daughter has been shaping up fast after all this time, and I am excited. Will I have it done this year? Let us hope so. I have a higher chance of getting it finished before HB Book 3 because it’s straight prose. It also seems to be liked more, which is incentive. Sometimes I actually get comments about it. Will work for comments!

But this is a serious post. It’s been a very long time coming, and it’s stuff that should be said to people that probably need to hear it. Get ready.

Today is my daughter’s birthday (happy birthday to her), and it has been years now since I have seen or heard from her. I was sending her and her brother Xmas and birthday gift cards for a while, but they moved and the boy told me he couldn’t tell me the mailing address. So who knows where they are now. When I was told that I could not have a simple mailing address to send gift cards (I didn’t even call because, well, I was unwanted) I stepped away from the dramah (DRAH-MAAAH) and said, “No more.” Do you think that only parents abuse their children? No. No. Children are also prone to hurt their parents, especially when taught to do so by other members of their family.

There are a lot of parents out there who deal with this sort of estrangement – usually due to interference and mental manipulation from the other parent (read: abuse)- and they grieve. And sure I’m sad, but I’m of a dying breed in today’s America. I believe in consequences and feel that if my children want to act like snowflakes they can just melt somewhere else. If anyone wants to blame me for anything they must first understand I have 0 fucks to give. On purpose. And often when I see someone post about how wonderful their children are on Facebook, I want to type “Your kids suck. All kids suck.” I don’t out of sheer respect. It takes an enormous amount of control on my part, not to let people know how I feel about their shallow boasting.

I know there is a storm brewing and I am going to be needed. If I can be found by then. Those grieving parents out there type things like “it’s like my children have died!” and sit in their homes all day feeling sorry for themselves. I just can’t do that. If I did that I’ll never get to go visit Ireland, or Alaska, or go ghost hunting, or do any number of things that I find important in life.

This is my message to you, parents in the same canoe as I. Heed me. The best revenge is to live well. Never forget this. Those of you out there with children that were lied to by the other parent, that were trained to hate you for no reason except you got a divorce, remember this. Soak this up as hard as you can. Your ex abused your children to do this to you because you were living well. They wanted to hurt you and keep you from living well. Don’t let them. At this stage there’s nothing you can do for your children except to live well and be ready should they ever come to their senses.

Oh – and make sure your last will and testament is quite clear as to why they’re not in it. Leave them no room to take things to court and fight if they’re the money grubbing materialistic type you should be glad stayed away. Why? Are you a cash machine? Do they love you for you or do they love your money? Don’t reward their horrible behavior, ever.

You love your children unconditionally, correct? This might come as a surprise to most people, but your children are supposed to love you the same way. In many cases I’ve read about the biggest problem the parents are having with their children is an inability on the children’s part to accept their parents for who they are. For example with my daughter, I can’t count the times she was honestly offended that I was happy about something or that I preferred to watch television rather than go party. Near the end there was increasing pressure from her to be someone I was not. She didn’t want me as her mother. She wanted someone else. And it was wrong on her part.

I venture to say this because many of you need to recognize that this is a form of abuse. What, so it’s only abusive if you do it to someone else? Why is it not abuse when it’s done to you? It’s abuse. Learn to say no to it. That’s how you break the cycle, even if it’s only in your life. You deserve to be happy too. Becoming a parent did not take away your right to smile at life. Your children are a big part of your life, but they should never ever be the ONLY part of your life. Your kids need to understand this before they end up in the same place you stand now with kids that do not accept them for who they are. And you need to understand this before you shrivel up and die from self-pity.

Just imagine the glory of it if your kids realize they’ve been stupid and try to reestablish themselves in your life. They show up at your front door and the house is clean, it looks nice, you’re wearing nice clothes, and darling you’d love to spent time with them right now but a) you’ve got plans you simply can’t break or b) you rearrange things happily and then bammo! Back to living well. And sure you’ll spend time with them again – this isn’t about returning the favor and cutting them out as revenge – this is about you realizing my how time has flown and now they’re back. How wonderful. Would they like to see the photos from your vacation to Switzerland? But look! You didn’t even get raped. Aw. How nice.

And if they never come back? Just think of it: all that time you lived well and found some peace. It’s a glorious plan.

This message is short and to the point for something I’ve been thinking (and researching) on for a long time now. I know. But it’s got to be said. There are all sorts of articles out there about healing your relationship with your kids and how to stop it or how to know the warning signs. (Wish I’d known that before it was too late.) But no one talks about the art of learning to live well, and why this is so important to you as a healthy individual.

Life hasn’t stopped just because your kids are jackasses. You shouldn’t stop either. There are other ways to leave a legacy when you die. Your kids have failed you. Go find something better.

As for me and mine, well. My daughter knows in her black little heart that I’d be sending her stuff today if I could. Maybe that’s not what people around her are told but she knows. I won’t be doing that again this year, even if she were to call me last minute. And the boy? I’ve told him point blank he was my young’un when he dared to tell me I shouldn’t get upset that someone ran him over with a car. They know. I did the best I had with what I had to work with for both of them. Folks who tell me I didn’t? I have 0 fucks to give for their faulty opinion.

It was like magic, finally learning to say no to all of it. At first a lot of people were cut from my life – if they were bad they had to go. I no longer had my children, so I no longer had anything to give a fuck for. Some people found out the hard way that people change when they have nothing else to lose. That was when my life started to get better. And now I smile at least once a day. I’ve rediscovered my childlike wonder, and oh the adventures that are waiting for me. Just waiting for me to step out that front door.

I have my revenge, even though I wasn’t trying to get it. I am living well.

You should give it a try.