Once upon a time there were three young people who had a problem with everything. They were always shouting their outrage in public, and typing long nasty replies to anything they didn’t agree with on social media. If it was something they didn’t like, they immediately made sure to express their hurt feelings and demand their safe spaces.
One day the five young people were sitting together with their laptops at a coffee shop, swapping tales with each other about the horrible things they had seen so far that week. “It was terrible,” said Maria. “There was this little boy playing in the mud! Can you imagine!”
“I’ve got one better than that,” said Stan. “I met a man who had the rebel flag flying on the antennae of his car.”
Everyone gasped at this. Then Fred asked, “Wait, who the hell has a car antennae anymore? I bet their car was an older model, one of the kind that pollutes the air just by existing.”
Everyone nodded and expressed their outrage that such a car could ever exist or had even existed at any part of history when their waiter came up to the table. He gave them their coffee and even put a cup of complimentary sugar cubes out for them to use, all the while Maria was rambling on and on about how people should be stopped from furry cosplay because that sick practice just had to be stopped.
“Don’t you have any, you know, stevia?” Fred asked the waiter in a huff.
“I can get you some,” the waiter said with a smile.
Fred sighed heavily, because he was so very outraged that the waiter had not read his mind and had provided sugarfree options before he even got to the table. “Nevermind,” Fred said in a huff. “I’ll just talk to your manager later. I am so outraged that your establishment can’t provide options to the sugar challenged! This is white privilege at it’s worst!” he continued, referring to the color of the sugar cubes.
Rather than walk away intimidated, the water shook his head. “I’ve been listening to you guys complain for about an hour, and I just have to ask. If I were to pull out my gun right now, would you be outraged or just scared?”
“You have a gun?!?” Maria shrieked, looking around in a panic for her safe space.
Stan said, “Of course we’d be outraged! No one should have a gun! How dare you!”
“There’s no way you have a gun,” said Fred.
The waiter grinned wickedly and said, “Oh but I do. And if you three don’t calm down I’m going to start shooting everyone. Starting with you.”
There was no one else in the cafe, but the three friends obediently went quiet. They were shaking so bad from fear they couldn’t hold their coffee cups or put any sugar cubes into the liquid. Every time they tried they would miss and the cube would bounce to the floor.
“First we’re going to start with you,” the waiter then said to Fred. “I want you to stand up and bend over. Remember, I have a gun and I’m going to kill you if you don’t.”
Terrified Fred did as he was told. The waiter grabbed a fork off the table and jabbed it into Fred’s buttocks. Fred hollered but the waiter didn’t stop there. He proceeded to jab Fred over and over with the fork until Fred was covered in blood.
While this was going on, Maria and Stan cowered in their seats. Fred begged for mercy, but the water would not stop. Then the waiter kicked Fred’s leg so hard it broke the bone. Fred fell to the ground screaming in even more pain than before.
The waiter turned to the remaining friends. “Now it’s your turn,” he said to Stan. “Get up or I’ll shoot you dead.”
Stan was shaking in terror so hard, he could barely stand. The waiter said, “Hold still.” Then he grabbed a spoon off the table and scooped one of Stan’s eyes out.
Stan screamed in pain and blood was pouring everywhere. Maria began to cry, she was so terrified. She started to crawl under the table just as the waiter also broke Stan’s legs. The waiter pulled her out from under the table by her hair and made her stand up.
“And finally your turn. Undress.”
“What?!?” Maria cried in disbelief.
“But… no! This is… no! This is an outrage!”
The waiter smiled. “I have a gun.”
Poor Maria, weeping, obeyed and the waiter raped her on the spot. When he was done he kicked her for good measure.
“I bet this is the most truly horrible thing that’s ever happened to you. Well? Answer me or I’m going to shoot you!”
The three mumbled and wept, but agreed that they had never been so hurt before in their lives.
“This is true insult. This is true outrage,” said the waiter. “And if you didn’t know how this felt before today, you’ve been wasting your time being outraged at the wrong things.”
After a moment the waiter added, “And by the way. I don’t even own a gun.” With that he walked away.