I had a death in the family 2 days ago. It was my father’s sister.
I know because there was a condolence post that happened to scroll on my feed. And that’s it. No one contacted me to tell me if there would be a funeral, gave me the option to go, anything. There I sat, in the dark like a mushroom.
I could have asked, but the fact that no one told me rather discouraged me from reaching out. It’s not the first time something like this has happened. When my grandmother was in the hospital dying, no one told me. I found out the hard way, by coming to her house to visit her. When my grandfather was dying, I was told not to write him or call because that would only upset him. I’m always going to upset someone, it seems, just by breathing.
I was on Facebook largely because that’s how I was keeping in touch with my family, which since then I’ve had a falling out with and want nothing to do with. After 40 something years I finally hit this level of ‘fed up’. It takes a lot to get me this sort of angry, and I will often go to great lengths not to allow my feelings to go this far because once I’ve stopped talking I don’t go back. I can’t go back. It wouldn’t be sincere. And this latest incident encapsulates why I’ve had a falling out quite nicely I think.
2 days later I’m wide awake after midnight after almost falling asleep because I’m cold, even though the heat is running and the thermostat says 70 degrees. I’ve sequestered myself here, in my office, with my thoughts. And a running heater.
I’m not sad over my aunt’s passing, as people would expect me to be. I’d only met her a couple of times, and my only real memory of her comes from when I was just getting to be a teenager. My father asked her to take me with her to live with her. She refused. That’s my memory of her.
I am angry, though. That I can’t even get told when someone dies. Or even when someone is related, to be honest. I’m angry because I’d predicted something like this would happen to a friend just a few months ago. That I know my family situation so very damn well, I pegged it right on the nose. Right on the kisser.
My anger is selfishness in the face of how my aunt’s children must feel, so I haven’t said anything. Until tonight, here.
And now I’m done.