I’ve been thinking about it a long time, and I recognize that this is why Akashik crashed and burned. But I just put Heavenly Bride on internet hold. With a fuck you note on the opening page. I also took down the Akashik and 10 Confession pages. In fact, I’m probably going to be paring down a lot of things.
I’ve got a freeloader in my house. He’s an 18 year old boy. He’s a nice kid and all. Lies a lot. Starts school soon. Just. Wouldn’t mind otherwise except I’ve went hungry a lot lately because he’s an *inconsiderate* 18 year old boy. Who brought two puppies and thinks a kennel is a babysitting device. My dog gets stuck in the kennel too. I let them out when I can, which is as much as possible. Which means I haven’t made any money lately because training puppies means not getting artwork done. Which means yes, I have bill collectors calling me. All. Damn. Day. Long.
My house has become a very stressful and depressing environment. I’ve been working over 4 years now with no break, barely a day off, on long hours trying to cover what my husband’s army paycheck can’t cover. What I got in thanks was my daughter flipping me the bird. I got a bunch of people on Amazon bitching that it cost them a whole fucking dollar to buy one of Heavenly Bride’s books. Meanwhile it was free on the internet with a website I spent a lot of time maintaining and paying for. Did I get so much as a thank you there? A conversation? SOMETHING to let me know I’m not invisible?
Fuck no. No I haven’t. My own husband doesn’t keep up with the thing. I took it down you know, just to see who was paying attention. NOBODY NOTICED.
I thought a change of pace would help. I could go back to making charms and maybe do a con. Get out of the house. Except my artwork must be fucking ugly as well as invisible. I can’t even get Ink It Labs to answer a damn email.
So fuck it. Fuck it all. If you want to read Heavenly Bride, you have to pay full damn price. I just raised all the prices everywhere and as I said before, there won’t be any free pages on Heavenly Bride. I probably will tweak the website so only folks who are willing to pay for it can see things. I figure this way I’ll get just as much participation as before – which will be none – but at least I’ll know I’m not being taken for granted. Cuz. Fuck this shit.
A well meaning person tried to tell me on Facebook today, “You’re only going to go as far as you think you will.” They meant well so I’m not angry at them, but the sentiment did nothing short of piss me off. This isn’t a matter of going far. It’s a matter of being invisible. So fucking invisible you have to use a special stick to use your damn touchscreen phone. It’s a matter of being taken for granted. Which I most definitely am and always have been. And it’s a matter of me working so fucking hard I’m pushing 50 and all I have to show for it is an empty house and things I want to do undone simply because I don’t have the time because I’m too damn busy BEING FUCKING TAKEN FOR GRANTED. I personally think I could go REAL far. But how will I know? Because I’m not even given the chance to fucking find out!!
I’m just fed up. I’m not giving it away anymore. I know my artwork fucking stinks and no one is willing to pay for it, not when there’s this other artist over there in the corner who does shiny things with lots of wings and color. But I don’t care anymore. I’m done.
And if my husband tells me one more damn time I should get over what my children did to me, I don’t know what I’m going to do. But it won’t be nice.